The Pain is not Physical
by HoofsTails Gal
Summary: There's that moment of comprehension and it usually hurts, but Arthur never thought it would hurt this badly.


Summary: There's that moment of comprehension and it usually hurts, but Arthur never thought it would hurt this badly.

A/N: I have a nasty habit of not finishing things, this is just another one of those glaringly obvious moments. So, for now, this is a stand alone fic. If for some reason I randomly feel the emotional dexterity that is necessary for this story's completion I will continue it.

Disclaimer: Do not own anything Merlin.

Merlin had been missing for days, maybe longer. Arthur had lost track. Between battling and fretting over Camelot he couldn't manage to keep count of the rising and falling sun. His body ached, his stomach rumbled, but most of all his eyes burned every time he looked at the destroyed remnants of the lower town and every time he thought of Morgana and her suddenly golden eyes, her smirk. It had felt like it had come out of nowhere_, this _Morgana. The Morgana who didn't hesitate to whisper an incantation that had killed people instantly, nearly killed Uther and Arthur. The Morgana that had instantly turned on Merlin, who had jumped to Arthur's aid without hesitation, and tried to kill him too. Merlin, who had warned Arthur only days before that Morgana was lying and that she was going to do something irrational soon.

But still, as the days and battles with Cendred's kingdom dragged on, Arthur was certain he had imagined it all. Surely he had imagined that Morgana would try to kill him, imagined that she sneered without even the tiniest hint of remorse as she utilized the evil that was magic against her surrogate father, Arthur's father. Certainly he had imagined that Merlin had sacrificed himself and disappeared with her and Morgause. He had to be imagining that Camelot was losing to Cendred and his knights, amazing faithful knights who had families and lives, were falling next to him and not standing again.

But then there were the moments when his eyes would droop, his body would sag and he would find himself jerking awake to return to battle and everything would hit him so heavily and so suddenly that when his sword would sink into the defeated enemy he couldn't stop himself from gasping, from letting just a few drops of sweat burn his eyes more than they already did.

"Arthur."

He ignored it, chalking the voice up to a dream.

"Arthur, please." He was shaking. He couldn't ignore _that_. His eyes were opening now, but only after he thought about it.

Gwen hovered above him, "Arthur?"

His mind begged him to respond because at least he still had this, Guinevere, beautiful perfect Gwen who was wholly intact and begging him to continue on, but he couldn't, his body weighed more then he could lift. His thoughts pushed the breath from his lungs, the truth weighed down on his ribs until he couldn't breath or think of anything _but _breathing, reality bashed him across the face and made him hurt in places he never knew he could hurt before…

"Arthur, you need to stand up, _please_." So he did. She was taking his arm and sliding it over her thin shoulders before he could ask why she was there to begin with. He was sure that he had only just gone out to battle after a few hours break, that he had felt the warm blood of one of Cendred's soldiers splash across his face only minutes before but now he wasn't so sure, his fingers tingled and his feet were cold even buried within his boots.

He blinked one second and the next he was horizontal again, warmer now at least, panting frantically for air that wouldn't enter his lungs when the thought of his Morgana and the Morgana that existed now came flooding into his memory. The air grew thicker and even harder to pull in at the thought of Merlin, his best and only friend, probably dead by now. And it really hurt, so badly that he had to let out the pain in a groan.

"Arthur? Gaius is he going to be alright?"

"I think he's just tired. He lost a significant amount of blood, but nothing that will be too serious." He knew that voice, Arthur wanted to ask where Merlin had gone but when he thought too much on it he found himself even less capable of breathing.

He couldn't remember when he had fallen asleep, but it felt amazing to wake up and have all of his thoughts come to him only when he wanted them to instead of flooding him all at once. He could actually register that his side hurt terribly and that his right arm ached even more from over use. The events of however long it had been flowed slowly through his mind and he was able to actually _think_ of what it all meant instead of dwelling on how it could be happening.

He opened his eyes and squinted, the sunlight hitting his face was probably what woke him, but maybe it was the heavy weight pushing down on his left calf. He looked down to find Gwen asleep across his leg and maybe he would have felt inclined to smile except he couldn't stop himself from briefly imagining Merlin slumped across the other.

She stirred and Arthur wanted to greet her but couldn't find the energy to utter the hello so instead he waited patiently for her to push herself to awareness and gaze up into his eyes with a look of concern and just a little pinch of something more.

"You mumbled in your sleep," Gwen scooted her chair closer towards his face, "I couldn't stand to listen."

Arthur swallowed, his throat more dry than it ever had been before, he cleared it, "I'm sorry to have put you through that." And he was.

"Would you like some water?" Arthur nodded gently and Gwen disappeared only to return with a moist towel, "Gaius said to work you up to cups full." Arthur didn't argue as she squeezed the rag's water into his cotton dry mouth.

When they finished there was silence and Arthur would have fallen back to sleep because he really felt that he could if Gwen wouldn't have had her hand squeezing fretfully at his upper arm in a staccato tempo.

He managed to glance down at her grip and then met her eyes, "is there something the matter?"

Gwen shook her head but sighed, waiting a beat before pitching herself backwards and covering her face, "it's just… all of this happened so quickly. Morgana, Merlin, you," she pulled her hands away from her eyes, "I'm scared Arthur." When she met his gaze again she was crying.

Arthur swallowed again, his mind hazy once more, "I'm scared too."

She tossed herself across his chest and cried softly into his shoulder until Arthur couldn't manage to keep himself awake and drifted off to the occasion whistling breath of Gwen's sobs.

The next time he woke was both equally as unpleasant and yet it lacked the physical pain from before. He had probably been asleep for too long and realized this only after he noticed how dark the room had gone and how silent the castle seemed beneath his bed. There was a rustle by his door and he caught a glint of pale white skin and the briefest hint of gold before he blinked and it was gone.

Something rustled again outside his chambers and then there was a shriek that sounded both familiar and not. There was shouting and the odd silence of the castle was broken by the pounding of feet and yelled commands for assistance.

Arthur pushed himself up against the pillows, doing his best to crane his neck around the bed post obscuring just enough of the door that he couldn't see beneath the crack. The torch light flickered and he could see a shadow, unmoving, other shadows flashing by every so often.

Arthur swallowed, flicked his tongue over his cracked lips and gently called for a guard. When no one responded he rose from his bed, both surprised and relieved that the aches in his body were, miraculously, no longer bothersome.

When he was halfway to the door it flew open. Arthur squinted into the sudden light and the first thing he saw was a prone figure on the floor.

"Merlin…"

There wasn't enough time to think about what this meant, how relieved he was, before Gwen was throwing herself in the room, tears falling from her eyes, "Arthur, you mustn't be up-"

"What's going on," Arthur couldn't pull his eyes from Merlin. Was that blood on his shirt, covering his leggings, and matting his hair?

Gwen's hands were shaking as she gently turned him towards the bed, but Arthur found strength enough to pull himself away from her and stumble to Merlin. He didn't feel the floor beneath him as he threw himself to the ground. He didn't register his hand extending towards Merlin's shoulder until Gwen was pulling him back.

"Don't touch him Arthur! Gaius is coming, we mustn't touch him." But Arthur took back his hand and laid it gently onto Merlin.

He didn't know what happened next, one minute he was staring down at his friend and the next he was splayed out on his back, the breath knocked forcefully from his lungs. He couldn't suck in enough air to respond as Gwen rolled him on his side and begged him to say that he was alright.

When he finally regained the ability to breath properly he grabbed Gwen's wrist, "_what is going on_?"

"I don't know, I'm so sorry, I don't know." Gaius was there now, above Merlin and… Gaius was touching him somehow.

"Gaius?" Arthur hated that his voice was so weak, "how are you touching him?"

Gaius' eyes met Arthur's, one eyebrow quirking higher then normal, "Sire, you seem to be feeling better."

Arthur's stomach flipped in frustration, "Tell me what the hell is going on with him!"

Gaius looked back down to Merlin, unfazed and responded slowly, with just enough hesitation that Arthur knew he was lying, "I'm unsure sire."

There was silence. From where Arthur still laid he strained to hear if Merlin was breathing, watching suspiciously as Gaius examined Merlin, pushing and prodding and checking his eyes.

"I will need help bringing him to my chambers," none of the surrounding knights moved until Arthur shouted that they do so as he scooted his way to Merlin's side, eyes never leaving Gaius' hands, that were still touching Merlin.

"How are you able to touch him Gaius?" He finally pulled his gaze away from the physicians hands and instead planted it on Merlin's blood drenched hair.

"I'm certain I don't know what you mean sire."Gwen sucked in a breath next to them, "no one else can touch him, we're all repelled."

Gaius sighed deeply, "perhaps…" The old man's eyes nervously shot up to Arthur's, "perhaps a sorcerer has cursed him."Arthur shoved his fingers through his hair, mind jumping from thought to thought until finally he made them all stop and forcefully brought himself back to Merlin, "is he going to be alright?"

"I can't say for certain sire-"

"I _need_ to know," the bite in his voice was more forceful then he'd intended it to be, he swallowed hard, "Gaius, I need to know if he'll be ok." Gwen's hand was suddenly on his, squeezing hard. Arthur blinked the burn from his eyes.

"I will do my best to make him ok." The knights were back, putting a solid piece of wood next to Merlin. Arthur watched, dazed, as Gaius rolled Merlin onto it, exposing the tiny cuts and bruises scattered across his face and the horrendous gash on his chest exposed through his tattered shirt.

Gwen was crying again, gripping Arthur's hand still harder, and trying to stifle her sobs with her free hand. The next thing he knew, he was in bed again, blinking up painfully at the canopy over him. He would have allowed himself to be confused, to be angry that he was bed ridden, but instead he felt a heavy lump choking him as a flash of Morgana's smirk and Merlin stepping in front of Arthur and his father flitted across his memory.

"Arthur, you're awake," his father was beside him, slouching in a chair.

"Yes," he shifted awkwardly in the bed.

"We won the battle," the king's voice was icy cold.

Arthur rolled his head away, "how many did we lose?"

"Too many," Uther's hand pounded against the arm of the chair suddenly. The sound echoed in the room.

"Father, Morgana-"

"Don't!"

Arthur turned towards him and, in a moment of defiance whispered, "Morgana has betrayed us."


End file.
